Mask or freedom? | Wim Kamphorst

As a man and father. Choose what you usually do, not what you would like to do. Other version

1A week in which a lot went wrong. What does that do to how you see yourself?

Identity

I work harder to make up for it. When it fails, I feel worth less. I go quiet and would rather not think about it. It nags at me, but I remind myself that making mistakes is human. I am disappointed, but who I am does not depend on this week.

2Someone gives you a sincere compliment about who you are, not about what you did. What do you do?

Identity

I accept it gratefully, without making it bigger or smaller. I brush it off or immediately mention something I did. I thank the other person, but it does not really sink in. I feel awkward and do not know what to say.

3You struggle with fear, doubt or something you cannot seem to shake off. What do you do?

Openness

I sometimes think about sharing it, but the threshold is high. I carry it alone. That feels safer. I find a man I trust and tell him honestly how things are. I put on a mask. No one needs to see that things are not going well.

4Someone asks how you are doing, and actually it is not going so well.

Openness

"Busy, but good!" And I talk about everything I am doing. With someone I trust I simply say how it really is. "Fine." I do not go into it any further. I hesitate about being honest, and sometimes say a little more.

5How do you deal with grief or a deep disappointment?

Openness

I swallow it. It will pass by itself. I allow it when I am alone, but I do not share it. I turn it into action or anger. I dare to show it to people who are close to me.

6When you think back to your own father or father figure, what does that still do to you now?

Your own father

I have forgiven where that was needed. My picture of a father ultimately rests in God. I still want to show that I do better, or that I am good enough. There is distance or pain. I would rather not talk about it. I see what he lacked and I am working on forgiving and finding my own way.

7Your child comes to you with a mistake or a difficult story while you are tired. What do you do?

The people close to you

I try to listen, although it takes effort to stay patient. I correct straight away or quickly give a solution. I put my phone away, look at my child and listen to what is really going on. I cut the conversation short or leave it to someone else.

8You reacted wrongly towards your child. What do you do afterwards?

The people close to you

I truly ask for forgiveness. That way my child learns what restoration is. I let it rest and hope it blows over. I say sorry, but admitting my mistake costs me a lot. I rarely say sorry. A father has to be strong.

9Things in your life or family are not going as you planned. What do you do?

Rest and grace

I feel tension, but try to relax and ask for help. I do what I can and lay the rest down with God. I push harder and try to regain control. I lose heart and just let it go.

10How do you recharge?

Rest and grace

I escape into screens or TV, so I do not have to think. Even my free time has to be useful. Sitting still feels like a waste. I deliberately seek silence, in nature or in prayer. I look for rest now and then, but my head quickly fills up again.