Law or grace? | Wim Kamphorst

1 Your toddler has a tantrum in the supermarket because he can't have sweets.

I give him the sweets, at least then it's quiet. Understandable, but your child learns that screaming works. Love also holds a boundary.

I grab him firmly and tell him he should be ashamed. Your boundary is clear, but shame mainly teaches a child to hide. Correct the behaviour, not the person.

I get down to his eye level, name that he is angry, and hold on to no. This is grace with a boundary: you see his feelings and stay reliable. He learns he may be angry and that you will stay.

Ephesians 6:4

2 Your nine-year-old lies about his homework. You find out later.

A week without screens, period. A consequence is fine, but without a conversation he mainly learns to lie better. First find out why he lied.

I let it go, it's only homework. Then he learns that the truth is not that important. Small lies easily become big ones.

I calmly say that I know, ask why, and we make a plan together. There is also a small consequence. Truth and relationship together. He experiences that becoming honest is safe with you.

James 1:19, Hebrews 12:11

3 Your teenager comes home an hour late and doesn't answer the phone.

I stand angrily in the hall and immediately start shouting. Your fear turns into anger. He only hears your tone, not your concern. Breathe first, talk tomorrow.

I say nothing, I'm glad he's home. Being glad is good, but silence leaves him guessing what you think.

I say I'm glad he's safe, and that we'll talk about the agreement tomorrow. This way you show the relationship first and then the boundary. Like the father in Luke 15: embrace first.

Luke 15:20, Ephesians 4:26

4 Your daughter accidentally drops your phone. The screen is broken.

I get angry: "Can you never pay attention?" "Never" and "always" hit her identity. An accident is not a character flaw.

I say it doesn't matter, although I'm really annoyed. Kind, but not honest. You may say you're annoyed, without condemning her.

I say I'm annoyed, that it was an accident, and that she doesn't need to be afraid. Honest about your feelings and gentle with her. That way she learns that making mistakes is safe with you.

Colossians 3:21

5 Your fifteen-year-old son says he doesn't want to come to church anymore.

As long as you live under my roof, you're coming. You can bring his body, but not his heart. Force often makes faith smaller.

Fine, it's your choice. Space is good, but without a conversation you leave him alone with his questions.

I ask what is going on, really listen, and honestly share what faith means to me. This keeps the door open. Your example and your relationship say more than an obligation.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7, James 1:19

6 Your child hits his little brother because he broke his building.

I send him to his room immediately, without listening. Hitting is not okay, but he doesn't feel heard. His anger had a reason.

I tell the little brother he had it coming. Then he learns that violence works if you're right. Both children need something.

I first take care of the little brother, then help my son express his anger another way. You protect the weakest and help the angry one. This teaches both something about justice and self-control.

Proverbs 15:1, Galatians 5:22-23